Conversating With The Wise

 I talked with my grandmother tonight, like actually talked with my grandmother, which I feel like i haven't done in eons. I don't often get to speak with her the way I was able to tonight, she was clear tonight. Very clear. She was thinking clearly, speaking clearly, even understanding what I was telling her (which even my friends have a hard time doing from time to time) and she was enjoying it. I love her, I really do, but sometimes it can get so frustrating trying to communicate with her. 
 Sometimes, when I take time to think about it, I feel awful the way us (the family) speaks to her at times. We get so short, loud, snappy, and rude and we don't even realize we're doing it because it's become so second nature to us when it comes to her that it doesn't effect us the way it should. When I take a moment to think about it I think about my grandfather, yes, when he passed she wasn't the woman he had fallen in love with, she had changed but time and age does that, it changes us in some good ways and some bad. But I know he's watching us and every-time one of us gets out of line with her I know he's banging the doors down to his new world to come and beat the shit out of us for talking to his woman the way we do. They argued and bickered and didn't get along much toward the end but he loved her, he always did.
  I asked her a question tonight, one that I have wanted to ask her for a long time but by the time I wanted to asked the question he was gone and I didnt want to upset her so I never asked. Tonight however I jumped on it and I asked her the question I think every time I think of the two of them, their stories, and someone who I have my eye on. I asked her "Grama, do you ever regret it? Regret marrying Grampa, because everyone was so dead-set against the entire thing?"
 She looked at me and her entire face lit up, I haven't seen her face light up like that in YEARS. She smiled so happy and dreamily and she said "No hunny, I don't. I never regretted a day of my life with that man. He was my one, my man." Then she put a shaky hand on mine and said "When you love someone, truly love someone you never really regret them. You never regret loving them, making them yours and making a life with them, and if you do then they aren't your one." 
  She then moved on to tell me all of their stories again, the way they met, how far he would walk to see her, and how much her loved her. Telling me that he was never really much of a talker but he was a gracious man and he had his moments but he was always so good. She also told me, "Always ask me your questions about him." She truly did love him and her life will always be half empty without him in it for now. They'll meet each other and love each other all over again soon.
  There really isn't any proven point to this thought, I just wanted to share it, true love is out there, I suppose could be the message. You just have to look for it. And remember, when you love someone, truly love someone it doesn't matter what other people say for or against them, take them, make them yours love them for the rest of your life because they won't have to live with them you will and if you can tolerate them then it doesn't matter what anyone else has to say about it. So, I suppose there was a point it just took me a moment to see it. 
  As for you, take a moment and talk to someone in your family, grandparents, aunts or uncles and ask them something about the person they love, I will bet you that you won't regret learning something new from them. :)

R.I.P.

Alexander Grous

March, 6, 2011

You will always be remembered

Always

<3

. 

Among the smiling, laughing, and razor-blade winged butterflies

 There are those moments in your life when you believe you've found someone who you absolutely cannot live without and then you realize that as much as you want it to happen that they just don't want you as much as you want them. Or at all for that matter. 
  It kills you inside to know that they don't want you, even the tiniest bit. Then there is everyone else, everyone else who says they want you, even though you know they really only want one thing and you're not interested. THEN, there are you friends who love you and tell you 'if this is them and you love them hold on. Don't let go, it'll work out in the end.' even though, in reality no one knows what's going to happen, if it's going to work out, or who you're going to end up with in the end. Or even for a little while. 
  It isn't about knowing, forsure, who you are going to end up with. It's about opening up your heart and not fearing the possible pain that the person could cause you because when you love someone you trust them enough not to hurt you. Often times you will regret that at some point. You feel like if they loved you they wouldn't hurt you, or they wouldn't be doing this. But you honestly, you don't know what's happening in their mind, when they see you or hear your name or even talk to their friends about you. You don't know what's happening behind those eyes everytime they look at you or another person. For all you know you could be their person as well but it isn't the right time to find out for sure or not.
  After promising someone something and you promise you won't go anywhere and then they go, well, everywhere. You wait and wait because, simply there isnt anyone else who makes you smile or laugh they way they do. There isn't anyone else who makes you feel like the sun is constantly shinning on you when they're around, so you wait. You wait, and wait and wait because you love them and you want them and you're willing to wait for them. When suddenly, out of the blue, someone who you didnt think you'd ever want to spend a long amount of time around let alone make you laugh, begins to make you laugh. And unexpectedly they smile at you and you get butterflies, butterflies no one except that one person has ever given you. At first you really don't like it, it makes you angry, you don't like that someone else has done this. It's almost a crime. But you see them more and you realize maybe it isn't all that bad and maybe you don't mind it. 
  You still love the person you've been after but while you're waiting for them you realize maybe it's okay to play at what they do and find someone else to spend time with.
 But you never know among-st the smiling, laughing, and razor-blade winged butterflies something else might happen and you might find someone who wants you, more than you'll be able to understand. Only way you'll find out is to loosen up, open up, and give someone else a chance.

I Think I Can, I Think I Can, I Know I Can

There are those moments in life where you think 'What am I doing?!', 'Where am I going with my life?', 'What's going to happen?' and then there are those moments when you are like 'Yes! Finally, this is really happening, I'm going to be okay!'. Today is the third kind of moment. And I for one can say I love the feeling.

  Waking up one day and realizing, 'damn, this is it. This is the next big step in my life and it's going to work, i'm going to make it, I'm going to be okay', I'm not sure that i've ever had a better feeling than that.

  You just have to keep telling yourself that things are going to be okay, everything is going to work out, it isn't going to be a problem, you are going to make it through this. Or in the words of one of my favorite children book The Little Engine The Could  "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can." ;)